Extremist at heart.

Thursday, 14th May ~

Hey lover,

How are you? I'm doing...well, okay, I guess. I tried to kill myself yesterday, drank 60ml of paracetamol and immediately regretted it. I'm not going to lie, my parents suck, like suck ass. Sometimes they have good times, but their bad times are just too bad. I need to get my shit together. Happy one-year anniversary, dear. I don't think I'm suicidal or worse than last year now. I think some shit fell apart yesterday, but I'm here today.

To set up out of that whole fiasco, let me tell you, last year around this time, I had no idea I would ever do such fun things - hanging out with close friends, sleepovers, kissing, and growing as a person. Yeah, I'm not the perfect planned-out topper model I was trying to picture, but yeah, what can I say, I'm proud. 😉 

Let's not even pretend, babe, 💖 We are extremists at heart, and frankly, we will always be. Or we could tone it down a notch till we get the hang of it? That's extremely difficult, right? Well, last year, I had my finals, like I have mine now. I gave up then, said "fuck it, I'll be better in summer," now I'm about to be in 10th, and my summer is starting. I didn't study then, but I will study now.

I've matured in that regard, at least to the point I address my double standards. If I give up now, I won't be doing it in summer, that's a fucking guarantee. I can't study 24/7 to prove a point, that's just another extreme, isn't it? Well, what can I say, all my thoughts are to one extreme.

I am grateful for so many things, I really am, but I have to say it, I suck at taking baby steps. It's always cut out every single food and buy gum to live on, instead of maybe not eat cake and chips? I see through it, but I think I choose to ignore it, so I can feel better about myself in some way. I think about studying 8 hours all summer, but I can't study an hour now? Isn't that charming? I'm not even berating myself over this. I really appreciate where I am and what's happened.

"Guess whose parents just yelled at me and are so done with me? MINE :) I love that for myself. Maybe I should have fucking died yesterday."

Monday, 18th May ~

Ah, a lot happened and one thing is confirmed: I ain't living here after 18...So that's just more of a reason to study hard now and do everything I possibly can to get a start on my goals. I've been thinking about school in Cuba. It's a wonderful country and a really good place to go to college, especially medical college!

My friend and I are doing the glow-up thing again, and I'm really hyped. I can't wait to see myself improve more. I think as a mentor to redoing the glow-up thing this summer, this week starting from today, I'm not going to eat junk food. Even at the supermarket, I'm not going to buy any candy, gum, or snacks. And I'm going to study 2 hours every day. Just to prove to myself I can.

Monday, 27th May ~

Woah, time jump huh? Shit happened. You know when you're in such a bad mental place, you can't even see the issues with your own behavior? The violence, the yelling, the pettiness. When someone points it out, you feel like they are the problem. I used to agree to the point "Nothing is black and white" but used it selectively. My parents are zebras.

They do such wonderful things but also terrible. No matter how much I pretend that today is the day, or just one good night of sleep or let's watch one more motivational video, it will never change the fact I didn't change much mentally.

Maybe I learned a few nutrition facts, grab 3 packets of chips instead of 4, but my brain never really changed. I'm not saying it did now. I think this sort of thing you have to manually push to change. Push myself to realize, "Hey if I really fucking wanted, I can." I have that for me right now. I have time.

I forget I have such great things going on in my life. Sometimes I wish I realized this sooner, but what can I do about that now? I love blaming my past self, I love saying fuck it I can deal with it tomorrow, and you know sometimes I'm happy I can do that, forgive myself.

I get distracted easily, and I know exactly why. It's because I don't give a fuck about me right now. I can say hey fuck it let's do it tomorrow right now and that's it, you know? But one day there isn't going to be tomorrow, and I really don't want that day to come now. I give a fuck about me now. I'm never gonna be the girl I was last year or today. When I'm alone in my room. No one there to watch, even when the house lizards are dead. Who am I? Who is it who sits in the room? What truly defines me as a person?

I fantasized not needing anyone often. Breaking people's hearts. If they couldn't forgive me then they never truly loved me, right? If I scored first rank and was the hottest girl in class, who am I? Who am I?

That's something. I don't actually need an Instagram or read that much yaoi or YouTube shorts. I don't need to eat this much. Wouldn't my life be better if I left the room? If I stopped thinking about being all alone? What if I go downstairs, smile at people, what if I went out to buy fruits with my mom? What if I went to the park with my sister or a nice drive with my dad?

Instead, I sit here, hearing people laugh and have fun while I stay in a discreet place of thoughts, brain rot, and this awful dread. I try my hardest to comfort myself, to pour my heart out every few days only to fall back in line. Only to feel the sharp slap on my wrist, a warning but I callously ignore it.

I know who I am. But do I like it? Not really, don't get me wrong, I do think I'm not horrible but I need to be better, and maybe tomorrow I will yell and scream, maybe eat sandwiches or consume who knows what. Maybe I won't complete all those past papers, maybe I'll wake up at 10 not brush my teeth and watch BL all day like today? But maybe I do one past paper, maybe I do brush at night, maybe I take a step back from the screen and control my anger a little longer.

1% is all I need at this point. Being extreme is a comfort for the mind until you have to do it.

I'm not fooling myself or anyone. Today I won't do it all, but I can try, I can do skincare, finish maybe 3 past papers and sleep at a godly hour or maybe

 I'll binge and sleep, who cares?

I want to start caring just a bit.

You should too, not about becoming that girl but putting more effort into your life. Not making yourself dread the future. Look forward to friends and life.

So, yes, I'm an extremist at heart, and so are you.

But I'll do what I must to channel those thoughts to something worthwhile. No wild fantasies, just realistic goals.

Your favorite extremist,

Rose (p.s is just me or do I find the extremist kinky lmao?) 🌸🍀🌟